Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
