Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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