turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
