I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Randomize
