I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I did not marry a roomba.
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