I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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