i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
