On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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