you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
