I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
dude i'm inner monologue high
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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