I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just found a bag of teeth...
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
