I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
