Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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