We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
