): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Randomize
