Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
