I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize