I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Congratulations! We have a period
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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