thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize