...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Of course I have a pirate flag
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
