Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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