You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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