its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
