I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
So much Jack, so little girl.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
