I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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