Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize