I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
