she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
