Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
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