I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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