Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
