So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
