I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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