i need an iv and a liver transplant
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize