I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
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