I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
