I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize