don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
