Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
