i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
