I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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