All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You may now shotgun with the bride
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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