If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
