I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
foreskin is a definite game changer
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
