I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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