My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
