My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
