Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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