can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
