I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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