Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
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