u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
