someone threw a dead crab at me
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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