I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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