don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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