I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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