Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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