Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
