If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
And then he peed in my hair
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