he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
